— She invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
— With who?
— With me.
— With you? Hang on a second. Nope. No snowballs reported in hell. No sightings of flying pigs.
— What am I gonna do?
— You don't know? Come on, Alan, you were married for 12 years.
— What does marriage have to do with sex?
— Point taken. Okay, you want some tips?
— No, no, nothing like that. I need step-by-step instructions.
— Come on, really. What's the big secret with these women?
— Boy, I really don't wanna get into it.
— They're hideous, right?
— No.
— Insufferable?
— No.
— Inflatable?
— It is like I have known him all my life.
— I know the feeling. You get over it.
— I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing, and then he goes and does another.
— He's 10. He's got the attention span of a hummingbird.
— What am I supposed to do when he ignores me?
— You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.
— You already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?
— Charlie!
— What?
— You kicked me in your sleep.
— Who said I was asleep?
— It's just for a couple of days.
— A couple of days? Jack The Ripper just kill a couple of prostitutes. It was still wrong.
— I'd think you'd be happy for me.
— I am happy for you. You had the courage to walk over there with your pus-filled eye and fall on your ass and still got a date with one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. I'm not only happy for you, I'm proud of you. Now, I have to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about men, women, relationships, God and the universe. But that's not your problem.
Why waste time on 10s when you're already getting rejected by sixes?