Two and a Half Men – Series Quotes [Season 1]

— One Russian blonde. One Scottish brunette. And a full-bodied redhead from Napa Valley. Charlie's angels.

— You said I was very special to you.
— You were.
— Yeah, me and three other women.
— I said you were special, not unique.

— Will you take me swimming in the ocean?
— Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?
— Why is your head exploding?
— Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
— If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
— Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
— You have to put one dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass".
— Tell you what, here's twenty. That should cover me till lunch.

— Will you take me Rollerblading, Uncle Charlie?
— I can't, buddy. I got work to do.
— What am I gonna do all day?
— It's really nice outside. Why don't you wash my car?

— Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on till roses start growing in it.
— Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.

— I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing, and then he goes and does another.
— He's 10. He's got the attention span of a hummingbird.
— What am I supposed to do when he ignores me?
— You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.
— You already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?

— Remember, you're being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
— Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

— Charlie!
— What?
— You kicked me in your sleep.
— Who said I was asleep?

— These clothes look stupid.
— You're 10. No one cares.

— So I told you about my daughter, right?
— You have a daughter?
— I have three.
— Three? Wow... You gotta start learning to say no, little lady.

— I'm kind of hungry. Can we stop for a chili cheeseburger?
— You're hungry? How could you even think about food?
— What do you think about when you're hungry?

— If you've got someone to clean your house and do your shopping and you're getting action on a regular basis, the only reason you need a wife is if you have some sick compulsion to give away half your stuff.

No, please, stop. Do not call me a great guy. That's what you call the schmuk loser friend who has to dance with the hot chick's ugly cousin.

— I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.
— That's very true.
— I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?

— Why are they fighting?
— They're not fighting. They're discussing.
— I'm a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.