I was very shocked when my son told me that his boyfriend was homosexual.
If you do have any objections to what we are doing, then please, by all means, feel free to keep those objections to yourself.
— The point we're making about polar bears is that these are animals that can run at 30 miles an hour, and what you certainly shouldn't do is try to run away from them...
— That's why you should always be with a friend if you encounter a polar bear, because you can't outrun the polar bear; you don't need to. You just need to outrun your friend.
— Very good. Cynical, but excellent.
— Give everyone a mental age of six, that would make Britain happier. We'd be very easily pleased. Sweets...
— Well, the media are working on that, aren't they?
I knew a landlord of a pub once who used to say to any female customer he liked the look of, "I've got a nine-inch tongue, and I can breathe through my ears!"
You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat — and people would still buy it.
The Earth doesn’t share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth! The Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place: it wanted plastic for itself, didn’t know how to make it, needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question: “Why are we here?” PLASTIC!!! ASSHOLES!!!
— Smoking stunts your growth
— Now he tells me