TV Show Quotes

I’ve got this real moron thing I do, it’s called thinking. And I’m not a very good Amercian because I like to form my own opinions. I don't roll over when I'm told to.

You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there just to scare the shit out of the middle class. Keep 'em showing up at those jobs.

If you do have any objections to what we are doing, then please, by all means, feel free to keep those objections to yourself.

— In 1900 there was a sport where Britain won a gold medal, in which the only other country that competed was France. Can you imagine what that might have been?
— Arrogance?

— The point we're making about polar bears is that these are animals that can run at 30 miles an hour, and what you certainly shouldn't do is try to run away from them...
— That's why you should always be with a friend if you encounter a polar bear, because you can't outrun the polar bear; you don't need to. You just need to outrun your friend.
— Very good. Cynical, but excellent.

— Give everyone a mental age of six, that would make Britain happier. We'd be very easily pleased. Sweets...
— Well, the media are working on that, aren't they?

— It cost 105,000 pounds last year to clean up the pigeon crap from Trafalgar Square.
— Where do pigeons get that sort of money?
<...>
— What else is interesting about pigeons? They can suck.
— Is that how they raised the 105,000?

I knew a landlord of a pub once who used to say to any female customer he liked the look of, "I've got a nine-inch tongue, and I can breathe through my ears!"

It has been officially announced this week that Jeremy Clarkson is an ass.

The acceleration is so brutal, I feel like my eyes have moved around to the side of my head like a pigeon.

You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat — and people would still buy it.

The Earth doesn’t share our prejudice towards plastic. Plastic came out of the Earth! The Earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the Earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place: it wanted plastic for itself, didn’t know how to make it, needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old philosophical question: “Why are we here?” PLASTIC!!! ASSHOLES!!!

Failure is always an option.