And you something, folks? As ridiculous this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than stuff dollar bills into some stranger's g-sting.
Homer, we gotta do something. Today, he's drinking people's blood. Tomorrow, he could be smoking!
Oh my God! Space aliens. Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Planes! Get out of my airspace.
— I'll go, disguised as you.
— What if he wants to hold hands?
— I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
— What if he wants a kiss?
— I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
— What if he...
— You don't want to know how far I'll go.
In France no one calls me a fat jerk! I'm a gourmand!
— Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
— I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. But I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.
— Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
— What are we gonna have?
— Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
— What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
— Poison pizza.
— Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.
Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow.
— Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?
— Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.
— Even you?
— Especially me.
— You promised to take us to the lake.
— I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.
— What the hell's menopause?
— Son, menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters.
— Dad, don’t act like Mussolini.
— Ooh, I thought I was doing Donald Trump.
I like to cry at the ocean, because only there do my tears seem small.
— Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
— Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
The Simpsons Quotes by Category