The Simpsons: Funny Quotes

Yeah, and I'm not that easily impressed... Wow! A blue car!

— Really?
— Yeah. Well, we're all somebody's children.

— We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family!
— We have a family.
— A better one.

— Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
— You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
— Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies.

— Gee, sorry for being born.
— I've been waiting so long to hear that!

Yeah. Another day, another box of stolen pens.

— The plant called. They said if you don't come in today, don't bother coming in on Monday.
— Woohoo Four day weekend!

— Did you wreck the car?
— No.
— Did you raise the dead?
— Yes!
— But the car's ok?
— Uh-huh.
— Alright then.

— Hey, how come Lisa gets a pony?
— Because she stopped loving me.
— I don't love you either, so give me a moped.

— Oh, my God, I do want a brother.
— You can have mine, but he's kinda lame.

— Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you!
— Batman?
— No, he's a scientist.
— Batman's a scientist.
— It's not Batman!

Oh my god I'm going to be killed by a bear! Well I guess I don't have to worry anymore about the dangers of smoking.

— I’m sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we’re the worst family in town.
— Maybe we should move to a larger community.

— Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
— Well I’ve got a whole list of chores. Clean the garage, paint the house.
— Woah woah woah. I’m just trying to get in. I’m not running for Jesus.

Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Please there's gotta be something else I can do. Like mow your lawn every week for two weeks. I can't do it next week.