Two and a Half Men – Series Quotes

— Come on, really. What's the big secret with these women?
— Boy, I really don't wanna get into it.
— They're hideous, right?
— No.
— Insufferable?
— No.
— Inflatable?

— It is like I have known him all my life.
— I know the feeling. You get over it.

— Will you take me Rollerblading, Uncle Charlie?
— I can't, buddy. I got work to do.
— What am I gonna do all day?
— It's really nice outside. Why don't you wash my car?

— Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on till roses start growing in it.
— Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty-handed.

— I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing, and then he goes and does another.
— He's 10. He's got the attention span of a hummingbird.
— What am I supposed to do when he ignores me?
— You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys.
— You already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?

— Remember, you're being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
— Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

— Charlie!
— What?
— You kicked me in your sleep.
— Who said I was asleep?

— So, Evelyn... are you married?
— Not at the moment. Why? What do you have in mind?
— Well, maybe we could start with a little dinner.
— Sounds good. But how do you wanna finish?
— Simultaneously.

Hey, you may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me!

— Bertha... We're getting a new dad! He's great... He bought us prostitutes and gelato!

— It's just for a couple of days.
— A couple of days? Jack The Ripper just kill a couple of prostitutes. It was still wrong.

Hi, it's me. I want you to know that I just flung myself in the ocean 'cause I can't live without you. No, I'm not calling you from the ocean.

— These clothes look stupid.
— You're 10. No one cares.

— So I told you about my daughter, right?
— You have a daughter?
— I have three.
— Three? Wow... You gotta start learning to say no, little lady.

— But there are other people with cars, living lives completely separate from your own.
— Oh, right. I hate those people.

— Here, put these on.
— I wore these yesterday.
— They're still extremely stylish. Put them on.