Scrubs – Series Quotes [Season 5]

There are actually many things in life that I've yet to figure out, like why men wear cell phones on their belt when they could so easily fit them in their pocket, millimeters away. Or why, and I'm not complaining, women wear tube tops even though every ten seconds it makes them to do this: «Get back in there!» But, of all of my endless queries, the one thing I damn sure will figure out, and soon, is how you keep coming up with all these fancy-pants answers. It is, for all intents and purposes, like they're falling from the sky.

Don't you know I dole out compliments, at most, once a year? And like a squirrel, you must gather up these acorns of kind words to sustain you for the upcoming cold, sarcastic months.

You couldn't push my buttons if you tried. In fact, I have no buttons. Please think of me as buttonless, all smooth, like GI Joe's nether regions. By the by, this image is brought to you by my son, Jack, who has been yanking pants off toy soldiers and leaving them in provocative positions on my nightstand. It is just disturbing enough so that leaving the house, I'm cranky and less able to suffer fools, which brings me back to you: The fool.

Sometimes, that's the way life works. The person who does the nice thing is the one who suffers most.

If you found someone who makes you happy by just sitting around and holding hands, then eventually all that other stuff won't matter.

— Surgery? I'm a Jehovah's Witness. I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person.
— I'm a doctor. And we believe that without surgery, a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.

— Who the hell ate my scone?
— That would be me. It was delicious. My compliments to the little lady.
— I made those.
— I know.

— I am gonna let Big Bob here give the first excuse.
— Blah, blah, blah. I'm not doing it.
— I'm caught on his collar!

The best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you.

Stay tuned for Gilmore Girls. Mothers and daughters. They speak so fast but they speak so true.

Oh, Jason, when you're filling out a female patient's exam report, her breasts can be «healthy» or «unhealthy», never «bangin' doubleDs».

— Gentlemen, a reminder: As attendings, you are expected to turn in your paperwork and your required urine sample by tomorrow.
— I'm not planning on doing any paperwork. I did go ahead and leave my urine sample on your driver'sside car door.

When my father showed me affection, he would miss when he threw bottles at my head.

— I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life.
— I'd love to see him turn three.
— The major events, Paige: His graduation, his wedding, his divorce and his funeral. The big four.

I've predicted a couple things: The kitchen fire of '97, the kitchen fire of '98, the arson conviction of Luis the cook, and the termination of the hospital's "Convicts-to-Cooks" program.

As I lie in bed each morning and ask myself why I should put both my feet on the floor, there are precious few reasons that I've ever come up with. The chance to escape Jordan's morning breath, sure. Scotch. It's too early to drink it, yes, but it is never too early to think about. And, of course, the everpresent possibility that I might finally happen upon Hugh Jackman and give him the present I've been holding for him. Bam!