I love you. You annoy me more than I ever thought possible, but I want to spend every irritating minute with you.
Relationships? Well, Sigmund, relationships are so fragile. It just takes one thing, one... tiny little offence, and it can snowball on you. And if that snowball starts to pick up speed, God forbid, you better tuck and go. <...> And bam! The shine's off the apple. That's when you find out that that pretty girl you married isn't a pretty girl at all. No. She's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the ''Whoa, whoa, here she comes'' kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. I may have tormented her from time to time, but that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so, that by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know
who I hated more: her or me. I used to sit around and wonder why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here it turns out the answer's pretty simple. They weren't unhappy. We were. <...> Relationships don't work the way they do in the movies. Will they? Won't they? They finally do and they're happy for ever. Nine out of ten end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones that get married get divorced anyway. And through all this, I have not become a cynic. I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies, and you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker. I don't care. Because I do believe in it.
If you found someone who makes you happy by just sitting around and holding hands, then eventually all that other stuff won't matter.
— Look, I feel like I can give you a list of things that are sucky about being pregnant. For starters, I'm now horny as I've ever been and my husband is repulsed by me.
— Listen, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up and shut my eyes so tight and then do you.
— Thank you for the sacrifice.
— It's because I love you.
All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared. You feel you haven't accomplished anything. Instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. You know as well as I do, he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that. Know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
Since we said ''I love you'', I've been feeling all this pressure. And wondering about the future. Our future. Are we gonna get married? Are we gonna have kids? If so, when will I get my figure back? Where are we gonna live? Will my mother live with us? How big a house? How many bathrooms? What if she walks in on you while you're in the bathroom, you fall, and I can't afford the funeral costs?
— Hey, have you ever been in love before?
— Once. She was a janitor. Well, for her, the mop always came first, you know? And that was fine, until one day I come home from work early and there they are in bed. They were just cuddling, but still, you know. It was really the emotional betrayal that makes it hard to talk about. But you've changed all of that for me.
