Scrubs: Funny Quotes

— As a matter of fact, I'd... like you to be the boy's godfather.
— I... am honored.
— I... am lying.

Carla, if one more annoying thing comes my way, extract that extra air out of Barbie's head and inject it right into my veins.

— Well, then, Bobo, I figured out what's causing the fainting.
— Men don't faint. We take unintended, decisive naps.

— You do know he's not yours, don'cha.
— I figured it out. Mostly because his mother was eight months pregnant when I met her. But there were other signs.

Why is it that so many of your stories end with «and then he hung himself»?

— There's my dynamic duo!
— Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self-esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?

— Dr Cox...
— If the next words aren't «See you», the third will be, «My crotch, you've punched me in the crotch».
— See you.

Good God, there are just so very many ways for me to say this to you. Never, not in a million years, absolutely not, no way Jose, no chance Lance, nyet, negatory. And my own personal favourite of all time, man falling off a cliff.

When my father showed me affection, he would miss when he threw bottles at my head.

By the by, this moment is so great that I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny little moments.

— The door is broke. Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
— Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
— Why a penny?
— I don't know.
— Did you stick a penny in there?
— No, I was making small talk.
— If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.

You're scaring everyone in the hospital. They're delivering a baby and it's using the umbilical cord to crawl back in.

— You gotta help pull J. D. out of this spiral.
— Any other day, I'd say «No», but today, I'm gonna go ahead — and just say, «No».

Honestly, it was like death and I had a staring match and, well, death blinked. All of you know I'm not one to toot my own horn, but...

— Are you an idiot?
— No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

— Laverne, what would you give me if I get this jellybean in your cleavage?
— A concussion.