Ross Geller – Character Quotes

— If you're working late, I can look in on him.
— That would be great! But make sure it seems like you're there to see him. You're not doing it for me.
— Okay. But if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

— Hello, people who do not live here.
— Hi.
— I gave you a key for emergencies.
— We were out of Doritos.

— Come on, you didn't kill anybody. These people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's just a coincidence.
— Tell that to them. Oh, you can't! They're dead!

— Hey, guys. I want to ask you something. I may get to speak at this paleontology convention. If I do, I'd love for you guys to come and hear me.
— I think I can safely say that we all have family issues, work and/or are sick.
— It's in Barbados.
— But you come first.
— I'm there.

— I heard that.
— Well, I said it loud.

— I know it's your party... but I'd like to limit the number of museum geeks.
— Let's not invite any anthropologists. Just the dinosaur dudes.

— And the fabric softener?
— Okay, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What? It says I'm a sensitive, warm kind of guy.

No. No, don't! Stop cleansing my aura. Just leave my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine. All right? Really.

Joey Tribbiani: — All right, Ross. Look, you're feeling a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is? Strip joints! Come on, you're single. Have some hormones.
Ross Geller: — See, but I don't want to be single, okay? I just wanna be married again.
Chandler Bing: — And I just want a million dollars!

— I knew it. I knew it. I always knew she liked him. She'd say no, but here we are, right? We just broke up, first thing she does.
— You didn't just break up.
— Hey, it's been, like, three weeks.
— You slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean, bullets have left guns slower.

— It's Richard Burke.
— Who's Richard Burke? Is that Dr...? Dr. Burke? You have a date with Dr. Burke? Why? Why? Why... ...should that bother me? I love that man. He's like, uh... a brother to Dad.

— "What can we do?" Huh? All right, who's first, huh? Ross?
— Chandler's our friend, and Janice makes him happy. So I say we be adult about it and accept her.
— We'll call that Plan B.

I haven't had sex in four months. I should get a medal for that!

Phoebe Buffay: — What's wrong? Why so scrunchie?
Rachel Green: — My father wants to give me a Mercedes convertible.
Ross Geller: — That guy, he burns me up.

Did you get to the part about his "huge, throbbing pens"? You don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those.