You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist.
— Have you told him how you feel?
— Yes. Not out loud.
— Go for it, man. Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of the gun. Pee into the wind.
— Joe, if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun... I'm gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.
Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray.
— I think my marriage... is kind of over.
— Oh, no! Why?
— Because Carol's a lesbian. And I'm not one.
— So, Dr. Green, how's the old boat?
— They found rust. Do you know what rust does to a boat?
— Gives it a nice antique-y look?
— Rust is boat cancer, Ross.
— Wow, I'm sorry. When I was a kid, I lost a bike to that.
— The door's closed. I can't see anything with the door closed.
— And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
— So you need a dentist? I've got a good one.
— Thanks. I have a good one too. I just can't see him.
— See, that is the problem with invisible dentists.
Oh. When I've been drinking, sometimes I tend to get overly friendly.
— Is that your new walk?
— No. I really have to pee.
— You guys? Do you know anything about chicks?
— Fowl? No. Women? No.
— It never takes me more than a week to get over a relationship.
— It never takes you more than a shower to get over a relationship.
A stripper at a bachelor party. That is so cliche. Why don't you guys get a magician?
— Wait. What am I gonna do?
— You? You go long.
— Well, how long?
— Until we start to look very small.
— You wanna get her something special? Get her flowers. Get her candy. Get her gum. Girls love gum.
— That's a good idea. "Dear Janice: Have a Hubba-Bubba birthday."
Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna... pull my arm off so I have something to throw at her.
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