I mean, if I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would have stopped to memorize your face, the way you moved. Everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you would be the last time... I never would have stopped.
I made a man twice my size cry. I mean, I haven't done that since I was 4 and I washed my dad's Porsche with rocks.
Why, God, why? We had a deal. Let the others grow old, not me!
You know what's weird? Donald Duck never wore pants. But whenever he's getting out of the shower, he always puts a towel around his waist.
— Have you told him how you feel?
— Yes. Not out loud.
— So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?
— What I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
— Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn?
— Plus I think it should be Joe. Joey makes me sound like I'm... this big. Which I'm not!
— Joe, Joe, Joe... Stalin?
— Stalin. Do I know that name? That sounds familiar.
— Well, it does not ring a bell with me.
— Huh. Joe Stalin. You know, that's pretty good.
— You might want to try Joseph.
— Ah! Joseph Stalin! I think you'd remember that!
— Oh, yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
— Look what we almost left!
— That's not mine.
— Look what we almost took!
— Is that the fire alarm?
— Yeah. Oh, it's not warm yet. We still have time.
— Go for it, man. Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of the gun. Pee into the wind.
— Joe, if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun... I'm gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.
— I can ask her to live with me.
— Are you serious?
— Why not? I mean, why not?
— You've only known her six weeks! I've got a carton of milk in my fridge I've had a longer relationship with.
— What's that?
— My new beeper.
— Why does a paleontologist need a beeper?
— Is it for dinosaur emergencies? Help. They're still extinct.
— Remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?
— Yes, but there isn't always time.
Rach, you can't look fat in an x-ray.
— Why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
— Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
— Next time you shower... think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.
— No accountants. And no one from "legal". I don't like boring jobs.
— And Ross was what? A lion tamer?
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