Scrubs – Series Quotes [Season 5]

Here's the lowdown. In three hours, my shift ends, at which point I will be leaving and meeting with my ex-wife for a celebratory "best doctor in the city" date which is guaranteed to end in crazy hotel sex. I'm thinking six-inch heels, a leather mask, fishnet stockings. Who knows? She may even get dressed up.

— You know what else I hate about Kelso? His hair smells like a pet store.
— Actually, that's my fault. I filled his hairspray can with dog sweat.
— Dogs don't sweat.
— No? What the hell am I putting in there?

— ...so we do married stuff.
— Fighting, bickering and the occasional quickie?

God knew my people would go through some struggles, so He gave us a lifetime supply of cool to compensate.

— Where do we meet up in heaven?
— At the milk shake pool on the lesbian cloud.

Everyone, this is my sister, Paige. I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about.

If I wanted to waste my breath, I'd have given my wife mouth-to-mouth when she went into cardiac arrest.

Keith, you're late, which doesn't surprise me because you're a bad person.

I was just glad to watch TV and, for once, not be in a world of crap.

Well, it's no secret how I feel about surgeons. I hate them. I'd liken them to rocks, but that would insult rocks because, you see, at least rocks are useful to society. We build bridges, throw them at guys wearing phones clipped to their heads. It's a phone. You can't do this?

— As a matter of fact, I'd... like you to be the boy's godfather.
— I... am honored.
— I... am lying.

— You know you're not exactly my favorite person in this dump. And I say that knowing full well you feel the same way about me.
— I started an "I hate Cox" chat room. Hasn't worked out the way I planned. It's me, two interns and 14,000 lesbians.

— You know, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.
— How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.

— Hell, without anesthesia, you made it halfway through. I bet you could publish that.
— Maybe they'll put it in Almost Magazine.

I am your new friend, so suck it!

I guess it's human nature to worry about the future. Especially when we think our dreams might not come true.