Ted Buckland – Character Quotes

— Carla's right, Keith's a mess. He hasn't been able to pull out of it since you ended things. He's sad all the time.
— Yeah, I don't see it.
— Of course you don't. No one ever wants the person who hurt them to ever see how badly they've been hurt.

— Hey. How come all you have in here is a smiley face button and a revolver?
— Well, one's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad.

Cherish the pain, Ted! It means you're still alive.

Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake, don't admit it to the patient. Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure, you can feel free to tell him or her anything.

No one ever wants the person who hurt them to ever see how badly they've been hurt.

— But the Gooch and I are gonna take some time off and tour the country.
— We've written a song for every state.
— I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to hell.

Oh sure, I'm a lawyer, but that's only because I took the Bar exam in Alaska, and they only have like four laws and most of them are about when you can and cannot kill... seals.

— Tell him my most important rule, Ted.
— Too much ''ha-ha'', pretty soon ''boo-hoo''.
— My other rule.
— If you don't look for a mistake, you can't find one.
— That's right, Teddy bear. Now, stop looking for trouble just because you like this patient, and face the facts. Remove him, Ted.
— That ''ha-ha'' rule is true.

— Look, Ted. You're obviously upset about the ukulele girl. So, we've called a truce to help you out.
— I'm not upset.
— Ted, we found you in a park, throwing rocks at old couples.
— Why should they be happy?

— Okay, people, time to save the planet! But where to begin?
— My first step was going with all hemp underwear. It's awesome! Except when the hemp oil sips into your bloodstream, then it's awesomer!

— There you are, you deaf bastard. I hate you so much, every time you utter my name, I wanna stick my fist down your throat and watch you slowly choke on it.
— Ted, I can hear now.
— Who's Ted?

— Okay, Ted. I think we found a way to get you over your fear of talking to this girl.
— Kill me? Cause I'd be willing to try that.

Chicks, ah? They're all soft and cuddly, but you'll never get to be with one.

— Hey... That's a nice jacket, Ted. What is it, wool?
— It's a poly-nylon blend do you really like it?
— No. Bathroom's just put of paper towels.