Chandler Bing – Character Quotes

— So, what happened? Did a forest tick you off?
— No. You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail. Yeah. Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
— You're building a post office?

— He had sex with Mr. Garibaldi.
— Who's Mr. Garibaldi?
— Does it matter?!

— My diary! Brilliant! If I'd said it was my diary, she wouldn't have made me read it.
— That's true. You'd be a great person to have around after an emergency.

Now we can watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.

— Janice said, "Hi. Do I look fat today?" And I looked at her...
— You looked at her? You never look. You just answer. It's like a reflex. "Do I look fat?" "No." "Is she prettier than I am?" "No." "Does size matter?"
— No.

— Are you cool with this? I don't wanna leave you high and dry.
— I've never been lower or wetter.

— I've never seen so much crap!
— Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.

Okay, Monica, only dogs can hear you now, so...

— What do I smell? I smell smoke. Did you smoke?
— Yes. But I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two pack... A carton. Three big fat cartons in two days.

— Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl... is not a backhand.
— I was shrieking... like a Marine.

— Kathy's being really nice and you just walked away.
— What do you want from me?
— I want you to like her. If that's too damn difficult for you, then the least you could do is pretend.
— I am pretending.
— Then do it better.
— What do you say I go over there and tell her how much I like her? I can tell her how much I've been thinking of her. I haven't stopped thinking about her since we met. I'm so over the top, want-to-slit-my-own-throat... in love with her that for every minute... I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!

— If you're working late, I can look in on him.
— That would be great! But make sure it seems like you're there to see him. You're not doing it for me.
— Okay. But if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

— We have to do something. Something huge!
— We could climb Mt. Everest.
— Not something stupid. Something huge!

— Hey, where you been?
— I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee. She brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.
— Score.

— This couch belongs to us.
— I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then we'll call the couch and we'll see who it comes to.