Bob Kelso – Character Quotes

If crying worked on me, my wife would have her own car by now.

— There was one spot open in the study. I gave it to the rich guy because with the money he's donating, I can reopen the prenatal unit.
— What really bothers me is that you can look in there at John Morrison, a guy you essentially gave a death sentence to... and just not care.
— It's not my job to care, Perry.

— Listen, if he wanted to find a place to hide your patient, he could. He's just stressed and out of his elements, and, hell, he's scared. And even if he hasn't realized it, this job is changing him already, because it comes with a whole host of overwhelming responsibilities, including keeping this hospital afloat.
— I'd help him if he'd let me, but you know he won't.
— When I was Chief, if Dr. Cox came to me and complained about something I would automatically say «no». And if he never complained again, I'd know it wasn't that important. But if he came back and fought for it over and over, I knew it was something that I'd have to take a look at. Now he's me, and he's got this damn voice in his head telling him to say «no» all the time. And he desperately needs someone on the other side to tell him what he should do, whether he wants to hear it or not. And now, that person is you. Here we are.
— Will he at least be grateful?
— No. He's gonna hate you for it.

— Dr. Reid, would you mind explaining to me why you called the chief of surgery to consult on a cellulitis patient yesterday?
— I wasn't even here yesterday.
— Your interns were. Their mistakes are your mistakes. Whether it's an unnecessary consult, or his ridiculous haircut.
— This cost $60.
— Let's hope your stylist put that money towards rehab.

— Why aren't you taking the job, Perry?
— You said it was a bureaucratic nightmare. And I don't want to be miserable.
— You love being miserable.
— I don't want everyone to hate me.
— Everybody already hates you. You wanna know the real reason why you don't want the gig, champ? Because you're a fraidy-cat.
— Beg your pardon?
— Didn't you hear me? Are fraidy-cat's ears too tiny?
— Don't push me, Bob.
— You're right. I'm sorry. Would it make you feel any better to bat this around for a while?

— Women are like crows. They like shiny things. Classy stuff they can wear in their ears, around their necks, through their nipples.
— Crows have nipples?

— I really don't have time to be dealing with your little sex pickle.
— Really? She spent 2 years dealing with yours.

Yes, Enid, I hear Baxter growling but the fact is, you ventured into his side of the house. Baring his teeth, huh? OK, now here's what you do. Are you ready? Make a sudden move.

Dr. Dorian, Do you not realize that you're nothing more than a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names.

Why is it that so many of your stories end with «and then he hung himself»?

Dr. Dorian! I'm far too irritable right now to pretend I don't hate you.

— Perry, I am sick and tired of listening to people complain about being called fatties, boozers, losers, winos, tubbos, tokers, smokers, and jamokers, whatever the hell jamokers means.
— I was saying «jokers» and I had coffee cake in my mouth.
— Unlike my masseuse Frida, you're not pretty enough to be rough.