The Alibi (2006) – Movie Quotes

— What are you gonna do with the money?
— Assuming the Sultan actually pays what he says? I don't know. Five million's a lot of cash, but I am a river to my people.
— Enough warmed over Lawrence of Arabia, Sudhir. You're from the Boston.
— Where I have people.

— What the hell was wrong with the other fifteen bodies that I showed you?
— I just wanted to make sure it was a good match.
— You just couldn't stand the idea of You not leaving a good looking corpse. Vatiny's gonna be the death of you, Ray.
— Let's hope.

— Here's a new spin. If one in four men cheats on their wives Then three in four are faithful And even more admirable nine in ten women. Not bad odds to play. So no more Jack no more Alibis, no more worries. Just the thought of waking up every morning and hearing...
— You are such an asshole.

— So I think I need to tell you something. I'm actually a huge opera fan.
— That's what you needed to tell me?
— But I always preferred Carmen to Salome. You know why?
— Because in Salome the hero loses his head and in Carmen the evil temptress is made to pay with her life?
— Oh no. Actually, it's the overture.

— You know my chosen profession, right?
— Yes.
— People have been hiring hitmen for thousands of years. Ever since some Neanderthal gave some other Neanderthal half a mastodon to clock his brother with a rock.
— Neanderthals? I would have taken you for a creationist.
— More of a pragmatist, really. Which is where you come in.
— Do I?
— I think having a man of your skills covering my tracks would be extremely helpful.
— Well I'm sorry but I don't alibi crimes.

I've learned not to rely on a single person in this world. I'm relying on a dozen. Mostly cheats, killers and cons. And I happen to trust these people. Or at least trust on their baser instincts. Let's hope they don't disappoint me.

— Why don't you get in the tub with me? I know these things that we can do with the water jets. I tell you what...
— Trust me when I'm done with you You're going to need ice.

Okay, maybe I'm no Casanova. And maybe I'm in way over my head. But this was always Jack's job I was the pencil pusher. The statistical expert. Unfortunately, being able to tell you that seven and ten murders of crimes of passion or three and four hitmen are hired by one spouse to kill the other isn't terrily relevant information. Unless of course you are the one they are hired to kill. Jack was right, I should never have gone straight.

— I need a piece.
— A piece of what?
— You know a gun.
— Oh why do you say that Snoop Dog?

— Sorry to interrupt. Are you busy?
— Yes, Ray, I was having a glamour night.
— I'm goint to... I'm going to tell you something and I don't want you to ask any questions.
— Well, we all know how good I am at that.
— We slept together last night.
— Did I like it?
— I said no questions, remember?
— Did you like it?
— Lola!
— How do you know I wasn't with someone else last night?
— Were you?
— I thought the idea was to keep our private life and work life separate? Okay, go ahead.
— You invited me over yesterday morning. I showed up at seven-thirty PM with a bottle of wine.
— What kind?
— Merlot. And you cooked me dinner.
— Don't tell this story my mother. She'll know you're making it up.
— A roast.
— Lasagna. I can make lasagna.
— Fine, lasagna. I showed up at seven-thirty, we had dinner and I didn't leave until nine o'clock in the morning.
— Just one more question.
— What?
— Are you gonna call me?

— Say Michael, you ever talk to that tax shelter guy... What was his name, Jack something?
— No I was hoping you could tell me I got so much loose change tied up with that guy. Now I can't get the bastard on the phone. So you know what Jack used to say the only sure investment is tombstone.
— I know what it means.

— Did you ever get a blow job at a hundred miles an hour?
— We're only going sixty.
— Then you better step on it.

— Ten days, Ray. Ten days I had sleep with my wife. You got any idea how that is?
— Break the rules, these thing happen. By the way, you'll be swapping the necklace You gave her with a real one in about two days. I've already billed your account.
— You realize I actually had to... I shudder just thinking about it.
— You could always leave her, Robert.
— Hey I'd leave, I'd leave in a heartbeat, it's no secret the money's all from her family. I leave, I'm ruined you know that.
— We all have our crosses to bear, right? Now, for our lesson in remedial cheating. Nothing from your liaisons goes in your pockets, on your breath or on your skin. Got it?