OK, recent studies have shown that one in four men cheats on their wives. And one in ten women, cheats on their husbands. Now that's aweful. Truly depressing data. I know this must look bad, but it's not what it looks like. But then I realized, imagine how much more impressive those numbers could be, if people thought they could actually get away with it? Cynical? Well, I prefer entrepreneurial. My former partner, the Great Jack McCadden taught me, our job in life is not to judge the ones and desires of our fellow men is to profit upon them. And well, some might see this as an unravelling of our social fabric I say business is good.
— You ever consider a more traditional line of work? Insurance? Sales?
— Making money's easy. Keeping yourself interested is something else entirely.
— It'd be easy for a man in my line of work to become cynical on the subject of relationships. <...> Lola, I prefer to keep my work life and my private life separate. It keeps things simple.
— Simple is boring.
— Boring is safe.
— And safe is for old people. This is fun, want to keep going?
— «But you see, romance is my greatest ally. That makes people vulnerable. Distracts it, and utterly idiotic».
— Here's a new spin. If one in four men cheats on their wives Then three in four are faithful And even more admirable nine in ten women. Not bad odds to play. So no more Jack no more Alibis, no more worries. Just the thought of waking up every morning and hearing...
— You are such an asshole.
— What the hell was wrong with the other fifteen bodies that I showed you?
— I just wanted to make sure it was a good match.
— You just couldn't stand the idea of You not leaving a good looking corpse. Vatiny's gonna be the death of you, Ray.
— Let's hope.
What good is it for man to have faith, if his actions do not prove it. Con men don't reform. They simply find better angles.
— What do we do? We're a risk management firm.
— Which means?
— We're in the business of saving marriages.
— How do you do that?
— We grease the way that makes state-of-the-art infidelity possible. People who cheat get caught because, A they want to, or B they're found somewhere they said they weren't. We create a false reality, making people appear to be where they're supposed to be.
— So you help men cheat on their wives?
— And wives cheat on their husbands. We're an equal opportunity employer.
— You're a professional liar.
— Lies are the great foundation of our society, Lola. 'Great outfit, honey.' 'Can't I give you flowers for no reason?' And my personal favorite, 'Don't worry, it happens to lots of guys.'
— But that's just being polite.
— Fact is your average relationship wouldn't last two minutes if people told the truth. We just help maintain the illusion. Mom's happy, Dad's happy and the kids don't have to pick sides at Christmas.
— So this is all for the children, then?
— Families don't break up because of infidelity, They break up because someone get caught.
— Let me guess, You're just a hard-working child of a broken home trying to save others from the pain you went through.
— I just see people for the well dressed, good smelling animals they are. Mate, eat, sleep and mate some more, preferably with someone else. Come on.
— But you can't really believe that. Not everyone operate on a purely primal level.
— A man is as faithful as his opportunities. Take your old boss, for example.
— Perfect example. Yes, he cheated on his wife they broke up. They got back together they never been happier
— When was that, about a year ago? Yeah, How did you know that?
— He just bought us lunch. Been a client since January.
Profit sharing? Perhaps that was a bit much. But I was temporarily seduced by her lavish penetrating, truly sublime attention to detail. You see my current line of work is all about planning for every conceivable contingency Accounting for every detail. Every nuance, and every possible mistake. I know exactly where he is. Why? Because I commit the one unpardonable sin. The one my old partner Jack would never abide. I'm forced, on a daily basis to rely on the intelligence of others.
— Ten days, Ray. Ten days I had sleep with my wife. You got any idea how that is?
— Break the rules, these thing happen. By the way, you'll be swapping the necklace You gave her with a real one in about two days. I've already billed your account.
— You realize I actually had to... I shudder just thinking about it.
— You could always leave her, Robert.
— Hey I'd leave, I'd leave in a heartbeat, it's no secret the money's all from her family. I leave, I'm ruined you know that.
— We all have our crosses to bear, right? Now, for our lesson in remedial cheating. Nothing from your liaisons goes in your pockets, on your breath or on your skin. Got it?
— Did you ever get a blow job at a hundred miles an hour?
— We're only going sixty.
— Then you better step on it.
— Say Michael, you ever talk to that tax shelter guy... What was his name, Jack something?
— No I was hoping you could tell me I got so much loose change tied up with that guy. Now I can't get the bastard on the phone. So you know what Jack used to say the only sure investment is tombstone.
— I know what it means.
— I need a piece.
— A piece of what?
— You know a gun.
— Oh why do you say that Snoop Dog?
Okay, maybe I'm no Casanova. And maybe I'm in way over my head. But this was always Jack's job I was the pencil pusher. The statistical expert. Unfortunately, being able to tell you that seven and ten murders of crimes of passion or three and four hitmen are hired by one spouse to kill the other isn't terrily relevant information. Unless of course you are the one they are hired to kill. Jack was right, I should never have gone straight.
— Why don't you get in the tub with me? I know these things that we can do with the water jets. I tell you what...
— Trust me when I'm done with you You're going to need ice.
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