Friends: Funny Quotes

— Hi, Tony, can I call you back? That's, uh... That's my sister's boyfriend.
— Give me that. Okay. Sweetie, before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your place? Hi, Mom.

— Um, you got a minute?
— Um, yeah, I'm just working.

It's not that your friend is bad. It's that she's so bad... she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain... and swirl it around.

— You guys? Do you know anything about chicks?
— Fowl? No. Women? No.

— Are you naked in there?
— Well, not exactly. I'm wearing panties.
— Huh. You, uh, always wear panties?
— No, no. This is the first time.
— Wow. Talk about your bad luck! I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.

A stripper at a bachelor party. That is so cliche. Why don't you guys get a magician?

— Wait. What am I gonna do?
— You? You go long.
— Well, how long?
— Until we start to look very small.

— So I figured it out.
— What?
— Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. I'm not sexy enough.
— Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said?
— What?
— I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."

— Possession of an illegal exotic is punishable... by two years in prison and confiscation of the animal.
— Oh, my God! You'd put that poor little creature in jail?

— Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
— Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.

— Oh, I am having the best karma this week. <...>
— What about that, uh, bike messenger you hit?
— Oh, I wasn't talking about his karma.

— I got you something.
— What's this?
— Eight hundred and twelve bucks.
— I don't know what Big Leon told you, but it's a thousand... if you want me for the whole night.

— Look at this! My Big Book of Grievances.
— Hey, there's me! "April 17th, excessive noise... Italian guy comes home with a date." You're in here too.
— "April 18th, excessive noise... Italian guy's gay roommate brings home dry cleaning." Well, that's excellent.

He's sweet, but it's not fun anymore. I don't know if it's me or his hunger strike, I don't know.

— Oh. Have either of you ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive?
— Only if you order stuff.

— Hey, Angela.
— Joey.
— You look good.
— That's because l' m wearing a dress that accents my boobs.
— You don't say.