The Last Boy Scout – Movie Quotes

— Get to the good stuff.
— I'll fast-forward.
— No, don't! It eats the tape! Fast-forward eats the fucking tape!
— I'm supposed to know that? Our only evidence and your shitty car ate the tape? Fucking car sucks.
— Shut the fuck up! If this is ruined, I'm gonna crush your nuts. Look at this. This is ruined, I swear to God. Fast-forward eats the tape.

Gangster #1: — Good evening, gentlemen. A bit late for a stroll, you think?
Joe: — You girls ought to get home.
Jimmy Dix: — Yeah, street lights are on.
Jake: — Shut up, fuckface.
Joe: — I'm fuckface, he's asshole.

Shit, we're being beat up by the inventor of Scrabble.

— Are you alive?
— I don't know yet. Was that C-4?
— Uh-huh. Either that or a hell of a factory recall.
— Dead guys don't make bad jokes, do they? Shit, we're alive.

— I just wanted to shake your hand.
— What?
— Ben told me about what you did for the president. I respect that.
— Thanks.

— For your information... a lot of people think I'm very funny.
— Yeah? Well, go live with them.
— Don't tempt me.

— We start tomorrow. In the meantime, I'd like to go home and see my family.
— Your family, huh? You got kids?
— A little girl.
— Does she like you?
— No, not too much. She likes Prince. Go figure.
— I like Prince.

— To Alex, the accountant.
— Your accountant's name is Alex?
— No... but he could have been. Alex was my son. I used to be married. One Sunday, I'm away in Miami. She couldn't come because she was eight months' pregnant. Walking down La Brea Boulevard... out of nowhere a pickup truck jumped a curb. Pow. Never knew what hit her. She died. But Alex lived for 17 minutes in an incubator. He fell asleep... had time for one dream... and then he died. I think about him all the time, man. You know, I threw for 300 yards that day. While my wife and kid were dying... I had the game of my life. Life sucks.

— Hey, last time I saw you drink straight vodka was because you just cheated on Cory.
— Yeah, well, why don't you pour me another?
— Oh, man. You didn't. You gotta be crazy, partner, cheating on her.
— I gotta be something, Harp. Because nowadays all I do is lose friends, drink and nail anything with a heartbeat.

— I could nail you for obstruction.
— You couldn't nail a $2 whore. Charge me with something or let me the fuck out of here!

Chet: — I think he's awake.
Pablo: — Make sure.
Joe Hallenbeck: — I'm awake.
Chet: — You nearly broke my wrist, man.
Pablo: — Milo warned us to watch out for this guy.
Chet: — Fuck that! Fuck you. Fuck that. Look at him. He's nothing. Guy's a piece of shit.
Joe Hallenbeck: — You got a cigarette?
Chet: — A cigarette? Yeah, sure. I got a cigarette.
Joe Hallenbeck: — You got a light?
Chet: — Yeah. I got a light.

— You bastard.
— And then some.

— Listen, Joe. You still taking charity?
— What do you got?
— Stripper. Excuse me, exotic dancer. She's got some weirdo hassling her and I'm booked solid. She's hot, Joe. She rates a three on my finger scale. That means I'd cut off three of my fingers if God would let me fuck her. Ha-ha.
— Make her a one on your nose scale. Improve your looks.

— Who's the guy in the closet?
— Excuse me?
— That's right. Sometimes you forget I'm a detective. All this steam in the shower, like somebody was just in there. Only your hair is dry. So it must be
somebody else we're talking about. A male somebody because the toilet seat's up. Not under the bed, must've stuck him in the closet... when you heard my key hit the lock a day early. So who's the guy in the closet?

— You told the cops...
— I told them Mike came by to farm out a surveillance job this morning.
— That's all? You didn't mention...
— No. I didn't mention it.
— You knew, didn't you?
— I suspected.
— Goddamn it. Why didn't you say something?
— What do you want me to say, Sarah? "Fuck you, Sarah"?
— Yes. Yeah. Or anything to get a rise out of you. How about, "You're a lying bitch"? How about, "If there weren't cops here, I'd spit in your face"?
— You want me to spit on you?
— It would show you had some pride left. Fresh out, honey.
— You know what? Fuck you, Joe. You were never around. I was lonely!
— Buy a dog.

— So what's the next move, ace? Where do we go from here?
— I'm going home. It would seem my job is done.
— Fuck you, your job is done. We saw Cory get murdered.
— Listen, Flash, you wanna get your ass shot off, be my guest. When you're dead, I'll take your $600 pants.
— Six-fifty.