Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels – Movie Quotes

Oh, you assume, do you? And what do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck-ups?

— And they're armed.
— What was that, armed? What do you mean, armed? Armed with what?
— Er, bad breath, colourful language and a feather duster! . . . What do you think they will be armed with? Guns, you tit!

— Invitations.
— Invitations?
— Yeah invitations, you know a pretty white piece of paper with your name on it.
— Well we have got about a hundred thousand pretty pieces of paper with the Queen on it. Will that do?

These are not stolen — they just haven’t been paid for.

I don't wanna blow the arse out of this country grounded, but I don't want anyone blowing a raspberry either.

If you hold anything back, I'll kill you. If you bend the truth, or if I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you. If you forget anything, I'll kill you. In fact, you're going to have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick. I hope you understand everything I have said. Because if you don't, I'll kill you.

Guns for show, knifes for pro.

They are still fucking guns, and they still fire fucking bullets!

— We grow copious amounts of ganja, yeah?
— Yeah.
— And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertiliser. You don't look your average horti-fucking-culturalist.

When you dance with the devil you wait for the song to stop, know what I mean?

Now this was an embarrassing position for Tom to be in. But Chris had to respect the fact that he was holding what appeared to be a pair of loaded shotguns. And Tom had to respect the fact that they were not loaded. So, without anybody losing too much face... Tom left through a side door, and Chris left with the money. And everybody else got arrested.

Hand-made in Italy, hand-stolen in Stepney. It's as long as my arm, I wish it was as long as something else.

Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.

You're lucky you're still breathing, let alone able to walk. I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.

You're not funny, Tom. You're fat. And look as though you should be, but you're not.

Ed has been playing cards since he could lift 'em up. And he soon discovered that he had a big advantage. It's not that he's good with cards, or even good at counting them. It's that he's good with reading people's reactions no matter how subtle. And everybody has reactions. Especially when it comes to money.