Two and a Half Men – Series Quotes

You're a saint for having sex with my brother. No, really... It's like taking a bird with a busted wing and putting him in a shoebox and feeding him with an eyedropper. You know he's never gonna fly, but you give it your best shot. Alan's the bird.

— So, what happened?... She's so hot.
— ... For everyone gorgeous woman in the world, there's a guy out there who's tired of banging her.

Yeah, well, you can't make sense out of a woman. They're like beautiful puzzles with missing pieces or a great book with no endng. Or like my old man used to say, "They're all frigging nuts".

Confession may be good for your soul, but it's a hot lead enema to a marriage.

— ... I just found out I have a lump on my groin.
— Bad place for a lump.
— Tell me a good place.
— Somebody else's groin.

— Wanna know a sure-fire hangover cure? Never stop drinking.

— Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.
— Oh, grow up. Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.

— Our relationship wasn't going anywhere, and you are incapable of change.
— It's not that I'm incapable, I've just been unwilling.

— What happened to your money?
— Good question. You know how easy Texas Hold'em looks on TV when you can see the other guys' hole cards?
— Yeah.
— Very different in real life.

— But there are other people with cars, living lives completely separate from your own.
— Oh, right. I hate those people.

— It is like I have known him all my life.
— I know the feeling. You get over it.

— You know what we call people who say those kinds of things?
— My family?

... resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair.