Scrubs – Series Quotes [Season 7]

You know when people ask for advice they're really just looking for someone to backup the decision they already made.

«Statistics show» who... who cares, what statistic's showing? Look at medicine. 80% of people, with pancreatic cancer, die within 5 years, 95% of appendectomies, occur with zero complications. But... we both know pancreatic cancer patient that lived, and appendix patients that unfortunately... passed. Statistics mean nothing to the individual. You're either gonna be a good parent to that kid, or you're not. I mean, hell, your parents were divorcing, and somehow you managed to become a relatively successful doctor.

— I think this might be the thousandth time I've peed in a cup for you, doc.
— Well, then, to us. Hard to celebrate?
— Yeah.

Barbie... there you are! You're standing sideways so I didn't see ya!

The enemy you know is always better then the one you don't.

But bone we decide to change who we are, for someone we love... we can surprise even ourselves with who we've become.

— Okay, people, time to save the planet! But where to begin?
— My first step was going with all hemp underwear. It's awesome! Except when the hemp oil sips into your bloodstream, then it's awesomer!

— This'll only take a second. My daughter needs a shot for a dermatitis.
— Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that, I'm Dr. No-Shot.
— You're kidding, right? You're a pediatrician, you must... — give the occasional shot...
— Sure. My name is Dr. Occasional Shot, but it's not.

— Ok, all we have to do here is kill space goblins.
— And what's my motivation?
— You're motivation is to kill space goblins.
— Yeah, but like killing them because I hate them or because I don't share their space goblin values?
— Whatever you want.

I only play Pacman and that car jack game. There's nothing like scoring a caddy and going down on street hos.

— I'll be in charge of the epidural. And as soon as you are ready, I'll have it make you so numb you're gonna feel like you 're passing a marshmallow.
— But that sounds sticky and uncomfortable.
— Passing a unicorn...
— That's a big horse with a horn!
— Passing a rainbow!
— That's better!

— Hey Keith.
— You came to your house while I'm packing all my stuff, even though you promised not to be here.
— Awesome. Well, you know you can't take my word. I mean, I also promised to marry you last Saturday, right? Right?

— And you were supposed to marry him, last weekend? Speaking of which, I gave you a very hied cappuccino maker, and seeing is there aren't going to be any nuptials...
— Yeah, yeah. You'll get it back.
— Great.
<...>
— Hey, wait a minute. We've only got one cappuccino maker and it was from my brother Barry.
— Worth the shot.

— So, how's Keith?
— Carla. Pig whore.
— Better actually. Used to be "Stupid Pig Whore". It's only been a few days and he's already dropped an adjective.
— Wow! Maybe by the weekend you'll just be "whore".

— Well, Bob, your employees really stood by you. They pointed out to the board that... Well, you run a tight ship, and actually we'd like you to stay on.
— Girls, thank you for saving my job. The one thing I wanted was to end things on my own terms, and since you're letting me, you can shove it up your ass, Rodney. I'm out of here.

— Well well... Look who has come crawling back, through the desert of shame, to the oasis of hope. Begging for just one sip, of cool Janitor forgiveness. Well... the answer's no.
— Please, Janitor!
— All right, I'm in. Dog gone it, I cannot resist that adorable mug of yours. I'd have to throw a cup of acid on it, to keep it from having power over me.