— Just, incidentally, why are you wearing that?
— Combination of factors really. No clean clothes...
— There never will be, you know, unless you actually clean your clothes.
— Vicious circle.
— Yeah.
— And I was, like, rooting round in your things and I found this and I thought, «Cool». Kinda spacey.
— There's something wrong with this yoghurt.
— It's not yoghurt. It's mayonnaise.
— Some woodcock?
— No, thank you, I'm a fruitarian.
— What is a fruitarian exactly?
— Well, we believe that fruits and vegetables have feelings, so we think cooking is cruel. We only eat things that have actually fallen from the tree or bush. That are, in fact, dead already.
— Oh, right. Right. So, these carrots...
— Have been murdered, yes.
— Murdered? Gosh, poor old carrots. That's beastly.
— So, is this your first film?
— No, it's my 22nd.
— Of course it is. Any favourites among the 22?
— Working with Leonardo.
— Da Vinci?
— DiCaprio.
— Of course. And is he your favourite Italian director?
— You have a stunt bottom?
— Well, I could have a stunt bottom, yes.
— And are people tempted to go for better bottoms than their own.
— Yeah. I mean, I would. This is important stuff.
— Well, it's one hell of a job, isn't it? I mean, what do you put on your passport? Profession. Mel Gibson's bottom.
— Actually, Mel does his own ass work. Right.
Max: — We really are the most desperate lot of under-achievers. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. In fact, I think it's something we should take pride in. I'm gonna give the last brownie as a prize to the saddest act here.
William: — Bern.
Bernie: — Well, obviously it's me, isn't it? I mean, I work in the city in a job I don't understand and everyone keeps getting promoted above me. I haven't had a girlfriend since, well, since puberty. And nobody fancies me. And if these cheeks get any chubbier, they never will.
Honey: — Nonsense. I fancy you.
Bernie: — Really?
Honey: — Yeah.
William: — So, what do you think? Good move?
Honey: — Yeah, good move. I mean, when all's said and done, she's nothing special. I saw her taking her trousers down and I definitely glimpsed some cellulite down there.
Bella: — Good decision, yeah. All actresses are as mad as snakes.
William: — Tones, what do you reckon?
Tony: — Never met her, never want to.
William: — Brilliant. Max?
Max: — Absolutely. Never trust a vegetarian.
William: — Great. Thanks. Brilliant.
Spike: — I was called and I came. What's up?
Honey: — William's just turned down Anna Scott.
Spike: — You daft prick.
Honey: — No, no. No, no, it's actually quite sensible.
Bella: — That painting isn't the original, is it?
William: — You know, I think it might be, yeah.
Bernie: — But she said she wanted to go out with you?
William: — Yeah.
Bernie: — Well, that's nice.
William: — What?
Bernie: — Well, you know, anyone saying they wanna go out with you is pretty great, isn't it?
William: — It was sort of sweet, actually. I mean, I know she's an actress and all that, so she can deliver a line, but she said she might be as famous as she can be but also that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.