Reuben Feffer – Character Quotes

— I don't have a plan.
— Yes, you do! You're on the non-plan plan.

— I can't believe you're eating Indian. You hate spicy food.
— No, I don't, Mom.
— Seriously?
— Well, I'm gonna... Psst! I'm gonna ask... I'm gonna ask this nice Native American man to get us a bigger table.
— Mom, they're Indian. You can call them Indian.
— It's okay. Hi. Need big table, please. Four people. Many thanks.

— No, Lisa. I shouldn't have asked you to come down here. I'm not getting back together with you.
— What are you talking about? W-Why?
— Why? You screwed a scuba diving instructor on our honeymoon. I mean, what kind of cold, heartless bitch... would do that to someone they love? I'd have to be an idiot to get back together with you after that. Oh, and by the way, I destroyed all your little throw pillows. Yeah, because throw pillows suck, okay? They serve no purpose. They're purely decorative.

— Leland, I mean, it's not just the BASE jumping. It's the heli-skiing, Volcano luging, shark diving. Bottom line is, unless you drastically alter your lifestyle, we won't be able to insure you.
— Reuben, I came to you for a reason. I was told that you had more imagination... than any of the other blokes in the big firms... that you analyze the man and not just the numbers. I guess I was wrong.

— Hey, Reuby Tuesday. Cómo estás?
— Yeah. Doin' all right... You know what? Actually, me no «estás» too good, Javier. I want you to stay away from Polly, all right? Find yourself another dance partner.

— You know, I doubt it'll get this far, but if she turns out to be easier than I thought, there's something you need to know.
— I'm not a virgin, Sandy.
— No, not technically, but times have changed since you were last single. Now, listen, when I'm making out with a girl for the first time, I like to give her a little spankin'.
— What?
— Nothing violent. You just tap her real light right on the tushy and say, «Hey, I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy».

— Hey, listen, this woman means more to me than anything else in the world, so be careful 'cause scuba can be very dangerous if the proper precautions aren't taken.
— Leuban, look to me in my eyeball. I promise you I take care of Lisa as if she were my own flesh and blood.

— So whose party is this again?
— It's an art opening for this Dutch guy, Jost. His art sucks, but he used to sell me really good pot.