I sometimes wonder if I should just become an alcoholic. It means you've always got something to do.
— How'd you end up with a bornagain Christian sister?
— I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the Bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think, Newbie?
— Probably the room to room thing.
I tried to mask the pain by drowning myself in cocaine and alcohol until I thought I was the Pope. I used to walk the streets in Soviet and Nazi uniforms. I put a sign outside my house encouraging burglars and left my front door open. I would lie under the bed wearing night vision goggles waiting for people to come in – and they never did. The intruders never came, the fucking cocksuckers. I was a complete mess.