Mrs. Doubtfire – Movie Quotes

— Mr Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
— I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny. But today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.

You want to be Kilimanjaro on your first date — inaccessible. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Your Honor, in the past two months, I've secured a residence, I refurbished that residence. And made it «an environment fit for children». Those are your words. And I'm also holding down a job as a shipping clerk. So I — I believe I met your requirements. Ahead of schedule. In regards to my behavior, I can only plead insanity. Because, ever since my children were born, the moment I looked at them, I was crazy about them. Once I held them, I was hooked. I'm addicted to my children, sir. I love them with all my heart. And the idea of someone telling me I can't be with them, I can't see them every day... It's like someone saying I can't have air. I can't live without air, and I can't live without them. Listen, I would do anything. I just want to be with them. You know I need that, sir. We have a history. And I just... They mean everything to me. And they need me as much as I need them. So, please. Don't take my kids away from me. Thank you.

You own that big, expensive car out there? Oh, dear. What they say a man who has to buy a big car like that tries to compensate for smaller genitals. But not in your case, cos I see that you're a strapping lad, aren't you?