Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels – Movie Quotes

— How much do you want for these muskets?
— Seven hundred each.
— What's that, a pound for every year they have been around? I know they're antiques, but I ain't paying antique prices. Pause.

«Bacon»: — And nobody wants to live next door to the people that we live next to; a bit anti-social, you know.
Tom: — What do you mean?
Eddie: — He means they're thieving dogs.
«Bacon»: — I mean when they are not picking peanuts out of poop, they're ripping off unfortunate souls of their hard-earned drugs.

Right, let's sort the buyers from the spyers, the needy from the greedy and those who trust me from the ones who don't. Because if you can't see value here today, you're not up here shopping, you're up here shoplifting. You see these goods? You've never seen daylight, moonlight,
Israelites, Fanny by the gaslight. Take a bag, come on, take a bag. I took a bag home last night — it cost me a lot more than ten pound, I can tell you.

— I want to look fucking mean.
— Of course you will look mean, Tom, you will look really scary.

— It doesn't include the speakers it doesn't include the amp. And it's not supposed to include me getting... the hump with your stupid questions. Now you want it, Nick, you buy it.
— What else do I get with it?
— You get a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.

— What the fuck was that?
— Well, that was the Bren gun.

Golf — the best way to spoil a good walk. Winston Churchill said that. I say it's a dog-eat-dog world. And I got bigger teeth than you two.

If the milk turns out to be sour, I ain't the kind of pussy who will drink it.

I want the grey skies of London illuminated; I want that house painted red.

What do you do when you're not buying stereos, Nick? Finance revolutions?

— Ј100 is still Ј100.
— Not when the price is Ј200, it's not. And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your sky rocket.

Be lucky to find your penis for a piss if you keep smoking.

Soap is called Soap because he likes to keep his hands clean of any unlawful behaviour. He is proud of his job, and even more proud that it's legal.

Lenny, take this to Snow White and the three little chemists; they should have a gander at this.

— That's the last time I am getting any more fruit off you Tom. Call that fresh? There was more small hairy armoured things in your fruit than there was fruit. You should open a butcher's, not a grocer's.
— If you will order stuff that comes from Kat-Man-Fucking-Du don't be surprised if your fruit picks up a few tourists en route.

All right, wrap them guns up. Count the money. Put your seat belt on.