I was twenty-two years old, a hard-on with a pulse, wretched and vice-ridden. . .too much to burn and not enough minutes in an hour to do so. The year 1995 was a full 365-day year of drinking, fucking, lying, raging, and exploring. It was a time of self-shit: self-importance, self-absorption, selfindulgence, and selfishness. I was the only person in the known galaxy, and I wanted what the fuck I wanted sooner rather than later. The gift of life was horseshit; all I wanted was everything and I wanted it fast. There are certain mornings when I can still feel that year in my joints and the fatty tissue of my back. The crazy thing is that if I could do it all over again, I would, but this time I would take it even further than before.
In 1995 I was an absolute crazy person. I caught gonorrhoea twice. I took to “stage-diving” off of van roofs and onto strangers in parking lots. I picked fights with douche bags openly brandishing guns. I set myself on fire at parties. You see, this was not Bridge Club; this was hopeless abandon. This was Mad Max and Gummo all rolled into one. Get it done before you drown in a river of shit was our motto. It did not matter: Too many of my friends were dying or going to jail. Pretty soon there would not be anyone left to throw a party. So do what thou wilt with the soul provided. If I was going to burn, it was going to be on my terms.
They say "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." That is exactly my point. Not only are we all guilty of just being ourselves, we were never guilty in the first place. The only problem comes when we become caricatures of these deadly whims, like the politician who extols family values yet is forced to resign because of a dirty little fuckfest with a hooker in a truck stop bathroom, or the movie star who believes himself above the great unwashed just because his cheek bones are pronounced and angular. These people are not sinners: They are just shitty people.
The time has come for a spiritual reshuffling, a kind of esoteric game of bingo. We can make a world based on common sense if we really wanted to, but we do not. That is a sin in and of itself: We have the intelligence and wherewithal to build a better mousetrap, but we are all very happy to run the game by the old rules. When punishment gets good to you, the time may be overdue to reevaluate the allegiance you place in your guides. That’s like ending up addicted to Ben Gay because you are used to being on your knees.