— We can't get married at all.
— Why not?
— Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
— Doesn't matter.
— I smoke. I smoke all the time.
— I don't care.
— Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
— I forgive you.
— I can never have children.
— We can adopt some.
— But you don't understand, Osgood. Uh, I'm a man.
— Well, nobody's perfect.
— My intuitive sense of the female creature informs me that you are troubled.
— I just thought I'd be married by now. I'm so ready to be married.
Why is it a girl has to be so silly to catch a husband?
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Because that's what everybody wants, Nicky. They don't want a 24-hour hump sesh. They don't wanna be married to you for a hundred years. They just wanna hold your hand.
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— Charlie, I can't marry you.
— I can't think of any reason why not.
— Well, I'm only 16.
— Yeah, well, you know, you get older. Why else?
Because we need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet. I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything — the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... All of it. All the time, every day. You're saying, "Your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness."
Mort was hurt by this. It was one thing not to want to marry someone, but quite another to be told they didn't want to marry you.
— He make you pretty, find you husband, you work hard for him.
— That's exactly opposite of why l'm here.
— Everybody need husband.