Sherlock – Series Quotes [Season 3, Episode 2]

— Now, serviettes... Swan or Sydney Opera House?
— Where did you learn that?
— Many skills are required in the field of criminal investigation.
— Fibbing, Sherlock.
— I once broke an alibi by demonstrating the exact severity of a fold...
— I'm not John, I can tell when you're fibbing.
— OK, I learn it on YouTube.

— Imagine someone's going to get murdered at a wedding. Who exactly would you pick?
— I think you're a popular choice at the moment, dear.

When John first broached the subject of being best man, I was confused. I confess at first I didn't realise he was asking me. When finally I understood, I expressed to him that I was both flattered and surprised. I explained to him that I'd never expected this request and I was a little daunted in the face of it. I nonetheless promised I would do my very best to accomplish a task which was, for me, as demanding and difficult as any I had ever contemplated. Additionally, I thanked him for the trust he placed in me and indicated that I was, in some ways, very closed to being moved by it. It later transpired that I'd said none of this out loud.

— What was that noise downstairs?
— Oh, it was Mrs Hudson laughing.
— Hmm, it sounded like she was torturing an owl.
— Yeah, well, it was laughter.
— Could have been both.

— I have your contact details. I will be monitoring.
— They're right about you. You're a bloody psychopath.
— High functioning sociopath, with your number.

— Shut up, Mrs Hudson.
— I haven't said a word!
— You're formulating a question, it's physically painful watching you think.

— I'm bringing you your morning tea. You're not usually awake.
— You bring me tea in the morning?
— Well, where do you think it came from?
— I don't know. I just thought it sort of happened.

— What do we say about coincidences?
— The universe is rarely so lazy.

Today you sit between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world.

— Sorry, that was one more deduction than I was really expecting.
— Deduction?
— Increased appetite, change of taste perception... you were sick this morning... You assumed it was just wedding nerves. You got angry with me when I mentioned it to you. All the signs are there.
— The signs?
— The signs of three.
— What?!
— Mary, I think you should do a pregnancy test. Well, the statistics for the first trimester are...
— Shut up! Just shut up.
= Sorry.
— How did he notice before me? I'm a bloody doctor.
— It's your day off.
— It's your day off!
— Stop. Stop panicking.
— I'm not panicking.
— I'm panicking, I'm pregnant!
— Don't panic! None of you panic. Absolutely no reason to panic.
— Oh, and you'd know, of course!
— Yes, I would.

— He's clueing.
— What?
— He's clueing for looks.

The point I'm trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn't understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody's best friend.

— Why are you out of breath?
— Filing.
— Either I've caught you in a compromising position or you've been working out again. I favour the latter.