Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.
Year:
1983
Country:
USA
Genres:
Comedy
A snobbish investor and a wily street con artist find their positions reversed as part of a bet by two callous millionaires.
Mortimer Duke: — Valentine very badly wants to take a hot bath and to get into something comfortable. Don't you, Valentine?
Coleman: — Jacuzzi, sir?
Billy Ray Valentine: — You see, man, I knew you all was faggots, man. You'll be Jacuzzi nobody.
We are commodities brokers, William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products. Like coffee, that you had for breakfast. Wheat, which is used to make bread. Pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a bacon and lettuce and tomato sandwich. Then there are other commodities like frozen orange juice and gold. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges.
Billy Ray Valentine: — It's none of my business, but that guy belongs behind bars.
Mortimer Duke: — He's unemployed, Valentine.
Billy Ray Valentine: — It's no excuse, Mortimer.
Randolph Duke: — He's flat broke, obviously hungry.
Billy Ray Valentine: — Oh, but he has money to buy drugs, right? Listen, you can't be soft on people like that. Take it from me. I know, Randolph.
— Tell us how you cut him.
— Hey, I ain't cut him with no knife, man.
— But you told me last night you cut the dude.
— It's with these I cut him. I am a chain belt in kung fu. Bruce Lee was my teacher. Watch this.
<...>
— I mean, you beating up on a man, you putting a man in the hospital. How come I don't see no marks on you?
— Yeah.
— 'Cause I'm a karate man, all right? Karate men bruise on the inside. They don't show their weaknesses.
— Police. We've had some complaints about con men pretending to be blind and crippled.
— Oh, I'd love to help you, man, but I ain't seen nothing since I stepped on that landmine in Vietcong back in '72. It was rough, very painful.
— You were in Nam? So were we. Where?
— I was in Sang Bang, Dang Gong. I was all over that place, basically a lot of places, a lot of places.
— What unit were you in?
— I was with the Green Berets, Special Unit Battalion's Commando Airborne Tactics Specialist Tactics Unit Battalion. Yeah, it was real hush-hush. I was Agent Orange. That was my name, Agent Orange. Special Agent Orange, that was me.
— Airborne, huh?
— I can see! I can see! I have... I have legs. I have... Oh shit, look at this. Man! I can walk. Jesus, praise Jesus.
— This is my stuff and my place, huh? I can do what I want with this stuff, right? This is my vase here, right? This is Billy Ray's vase, right? I own this vase. And I can play like Harlem
Globetrotters shit with it, right? Okay, you want Meadowlark Lemon shit, right? Hey, man, I'm sorry about that.
— Perfectly all right, William, it was your vase.
— That's a cheap vase, man. That was a fake, right?
— I think we paid $35,000 for it. But I seem to remember we estimated its value at $50,000 for the insurance company. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us a profit of $15,000.
— You want me to break something else?
— No.
— The Dukes ruined my life over a bet? For how much?
— A dollar.
— $1.
— It's a whirlpool bath, sir. I think you'll enjoy it.
— Bubbles, man. Say, man, when I was growing up, we want a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub.
— Tell me just why you think the price of pork bellies is going down, William?
— It's Christmastime. Everybody's uptight.
— Could we please buy now, Randolph?
— All right, if you want to lose money, go ahead.
— What are you trying to say, William?
— Okay. Pork belly prices have been dropping all morning. Which means everybody's sitting in their office and they're waiting for them to hit rock bottom so they can buy cheap and go long. So people that own the pork belly contracts are going, "Bad shit." 'Cause they're thinking, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money and Christmas is around the corner." "And I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son "the G. I. Joe with the kung fu grip," Kay? "And my wife ain't gonna wanna..." "My wife ain't gonna make love to me 'cause I ain't got no money," right? So they sitting there and they panicking. They screaming, "Sell! Sell!" 'Cause they don't want to lose all their money, right? They out there, panicking right now. I can feel it. They out there. They panicking. Look at them.
— He's right, Mortimer, my God, look at it.
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