A recently discharged Major finds himself commanding a group of mismatched Cadets.
Hey, Corporal! Go tell Mama bring my field knife.
I figured if the Marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd have issued me one.
You need me to tell you the story about the Little Engine That Could again? Then you get out there and you toot that horn, boy.
— You had better give up, senor. You cannot kill us all.
— Nope, but I can clean your colon out quicker than... one of them burritos with extra guacamole sauce.
Hey, Dumbo! You should be able to fly through those tubes... — with them big-ass ears, boy!
Got no worry, got no stress
Got no worry, got no stress
'Cause we feel good
in our dress
'Cause we feel good
in our dress
Major Payne's
a major dis
Major Payne's
a major dis
Makes us squat
when we piss
He makes us squat
when we piss
Got no worries
Got no care
— Got no worries, got no care
I'm a baldheaded son
of a bitch without hair
I'm a baldheaded
son of a bitch without hair
Used to be Samson
Now I'm Ann
Used to be Samson
Now I'm Ann
Gotta earn my right
to be called a man
Gotta earn my right
to be called a man
— Well, that's just my point. You see, now you're dealing with children, and children have special needs. Do you know what positive reinforcement means?
— Is that anything like where you take a P. O. W. and you snap his neck... after you torture him, so he don't have to go through life with a colostomy bag?
You ever hear the story about The Little Engine That Could? Let me tell you that story. Once upon a time, deep, deep in the jungle, there was a little engine that could. He was chuggin' his way across the enemy line. Chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot! This little engine's mission... was to take some AK-47s and a nuclear payload over the mountain to the 2063 Battalion. Needless to say, there was plenty opposition. You think that stopped the little engine that could? No, siree, Bob. He just kept chuggin' along. Chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot! Not even when they climbed aboard the train and popped out the eyes of the conductor, and blood and snot was drippin' out his eye sockets. You think that stopped the little engine that could? Damn skippy. He just kept chuggin' along. Chugga, chugga, chugga. Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot!
It wasn't until... Charlie rigged a bridge with plastic explosives... just as the little engine was makin' his way across the trestle. Boom! An explosion happened. And blood and guts and spit and ass was everywhere! And Bubba come crawlin' out the back door, both legs missin'. Lula May's baby boy! He look up at me. He said, "Payne! I can't feel my legs." I said, "Bubba, they ain't there." And I looked down, and them little bloody nubs was kickin' real fast, like this here. And I said, "Bubba, it's 'Less you can flip upside down and walk on your hands, you ain't gonna make it." All of a sudden, Charlie was all over the place! It was just me and my sidearm. And I had no other alternative... but to blast my way out. "Die, pig! Die! You'll never take Major Benson Winifred Payne alive!" Bam! "I saw what you did to my friend!"
Bam!
— General, are you tryin' to tell me in all this man's military... there is no room left for a trained weapon of destruction?
— The fighting is no longer done on the battlefields, Payne. Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress. Boys like us are becoming dinosaurs.
— There gotta be somebody need some killin'.
— I'm sorry, Major, there's no one left. You've killed 'em all.
Oh, I see you and your friend Cujo here... got a little attitudinal problem needs some readjustin'. I'm gonna fix that up quick, fast and in a hurry.
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