I told you, no investments. We're ruined! Ruined! Bye-bye, designer clothes. Now, I'll have to shop on Canal street. Bye-bye to our vacation. You promised me you would take me to Egypt
to see that giant sphincter. What about our mortgage, huh? Bye-bye, doorman, co-op. We'll end up living in a refrigerator carton, wearing kleenex boxes for bedroom slippers, and snatching pigeons for a little protein, praying for rain so we can shower! And if you think I'm selling my jewelry, you've got another thing coming. And let me tell you something else, «Mr. best friend»! I hope you have the numbers of some very good hookers, because my legs are shut. Do you hear me?! Welded.
— She likes the column.
— I told you. But Ryan, dear, do yourself a favor, misspell a word now and then. Cindy always did.
— How did you know?
— Sure. Gorgeous, therefore stupid. Why am I always a stereotype?
— Why didn't you tell page?
— I have a feeling about you. One more word of advice, though. This isn't a game. People might actually read this drivel. Some folks have nowhere else to turn. So if you're gonna do it, do it for real. Don't be a man, be human.
— All right, Ryan. Hey, listen, if you want to quit, I don't blame you. When I was starting out, this doctor asked me to consult on this burn victim. I go in the room. This guy's got third degree burns on 90% of his body. He was in so much pain It... it was horrifying. And I look at the guy, and I was... I was scared shitless, all right? So I ran out of there. And then I was embarrassed. I didn't know what to do. So I called a friend of mine, told him what happened. You know what he said? He goes, «Hey, you're scared. How do you think that burn victim feels?»
— Smart friend.
— Yes, you were.
— Thanks, Barry.
«Dear Cindy, I caught my husband cheating, but that's not the worst of it. The woman is not half as attractive as me. Am I wrong for feeling twice as hurt?»
— They say dogs are a man's best friend. Your man found a real barker. But remember, when you lie down with dogs — you wake up with fleas. But when you lie down
with ugly dogs, you wake up alone, because even the fleas don't want you.
«Dear Cindy, I have a small moustache, but waxing is painful and I can't afford laser removal. Do men really mind this? Signed, hair lip.»
— Dear hair lip, if a man has a problem with your facial hair, strap him down, rip off his 5:00 shadow with hot wax, and ask him if any woman is worth that twice a week.
«Dear Cindy, I'm in a monogamous relationship with a great guy. It's just that sometimes I get the urge to stray. Maybe the stability bores me, or I just crave the excitement of sex with someone new? Help, I'm confused.»
— Dear «Confused», although multiple partners can be exciting, you have to think of them as you would a snowstorm. You never really know when they will come, how long they will last, or how many inches you will get. Stick to what you already have. It's so much nicer to watch the storm pass cuddling with someone, who loves you.
— I am very pleased with cindy's performance. I guess this illness has had a profound effect on her after all. Or... you have.
— Thank you.
— Anyway... I have something for you. It's the first paycheck that Cindy actually deserves.
— Forgot all about that. That's great. You look nice today.
— Thank you. But may I remind you, you've been around a sick woman?
— No, you have a definite glow.
— If you're not taking him, I will.
— Iris, what are you babbling about?
— He obviously wants one of us.
— He has a girlfriend.
— What the hell. She'll be dead soon, anyway.