Everyone just wants to feel important in life. Thing is, no matter how important they are, there's always gonna be someone more important. People get so uptight about that. Oh, no, they're better than me. It's like, god, they don't realize important doesn't matter. It's confidence. When confidence breaks into the room... It wins every single time. Doesn't matter if it's real or pulling it straight out of their ass. People are dumb. They don't know the difference.
There are two types of people in this world. The people who radiate confidence and naturally excel at life... Yes! Yes! And the people who hope all those people die in a big explosion.
I don't wanna take up a ton of your time... but I'm gonna kill myself. I just thought that someone should know. I don't know how this works. I'm probably gonna jump off an overpass in front of a semi or a u-haul, not a bus, I'm not gonna be a dick and make people watch. But it has to be big, it's gotta be so big that it just – done! – kills me. Lights out. 'Cause if it just maims me and I'm like well, how's that good for anyone? Then I gotta find a nurse to smother me. How am I gonna get across "smothering" if I'm... We don't need to get caught up in the minutia, I just thought that an adult... you should know.
– You're always in a shit mood and you're a really shitty teacher. You put zero effort into everything you do and there's no way you're proud of that! Look at you, look at... like, you do nothing! Look at your hair! You don't even do your hair 'cause you don't have any hair! You're bald! You know what? You know why you're not married? Because bald men are gross and disgusting, and especially the ones that make $45.000 a year! What?!
– I've been doing this 23 years... and you're the first person to ever underestimate my salary.
— What are you doing?
— I'm giving you half my cookie.
— Why?
— Make you feel better. Jesus.
You know what? I'm gona go ahead and I'm gona tell you the real reason I'm having lunch with you today. You see, I don't really have any friends at the moment. And to be completely honest with you, I'm not interested at all. My entire generation is a bunch of mouth-breather. They literaly have a seizure if you take their phone away for a second. They can't communicate without emojis. And they actualy think that the world wants to know that they are, "Eating a taco, exclamation point, smiley face, smiley face." Like we give a fuck. I am an old soul. I like old music and old movies and even old people. Bottom line is I have nothing in common with the people out there, and they have nothing in common with me.
– I have a one-year expiration date on freebies for the dead and dying.
– Are you serious?
– There will be other opportunities, your grandparents can't stick around forever.
– You are so gonna get fired when I actually do it.
– Well, not for sure, but I can dream.