Mr. Stratford – Character Quotes

Thank God you're home safe so I can kill you.

— You do realize that this is your only car, and if you destroy it, I'm not getting you another one.
— Relax, Dad. I printed a comprehensive instruction manual off the Internet. Got nine out of ten stars.

— If she's your little flower, what am I?
— Your my big, tough cactus.

— Let us pray. Thank you, Lord, for this bountiful harvest, and bless the underprivileged and teenage children in new high schools. Amen.
— Okay, Bianca, what gives?
— Kat, please! Okay, Bianca, what gives?
— Well, Daddy, I've been thinking about my faith a lot recently ever since I met this great group of kids at school. Speaking of which, they invited me to this killer Bible study tonight. Can I go?
— And the Oscar goes to... Bianca Stratford for Lying to Her Farther!
— Zip it, Satan. Dad, I'd really hate to miss it. I think tonight I get my purity ring!
— And I think tonight you'll be home with the purity security!

— She's late for curfew!
— Dad, relax. She's at a soccer game. The odds of her being kidnapped and sold into slavery are very slim.

A good reputation can take you places in politics and business, in this house.

— Don't let her fool you. She's 15. She's dangerous.
— Oh, I was the same way. Now the only thing dangerous in my life is the chance that one of these packages has anthrax in it.

— Why don't you try a car wash? I remember the summer before sophomore year...
— Something really boring happend. Awesome story, Dad.
— A car wash? I love it! Thanks, Daddy.
— Great idea, Dad. Half-naked cheerleaders, wet and soapy, standing on the street asking for money.
— No car wash.
— Daddy!

— You girls are late. Where were you?
— We were having sex with the soccer team. It took longer then expected.

— Herpes. I know firsthand that's nothing to smile about.
— ?
— I'm a gynecologist.

— Thank you, Dad.
— For what?
— For agreeing with me that popularity is a shallow, superficial thing to pursue.
— No, I don't agree with you.
— What?
— What's wrong with being popular? I loved it. I loved being captain of the football team, president of student council, any girl I wanted.
— Dad, that was Uncle Jimmy.
— So it was. Look, the problem is that it's the popular girls the popular boys wanna have S-E-X with.