Dr. Christopher Turk – Character Quotes

— 15 percent of all surgical complications are anesthesiarelated, so I'd like to use hypnosis instead of traditional anesthesia.
— I'd like to sleep with Beyonce Knowles instead of my wife tonight, but that ain't happening either, you know what I'm sayin'?

Elliot Reid: — Okay, Janitor, Carla's starting to push. Tell Turk.
Janitor: — Got it. Your baby has a tail.
Turk: — I told her to stay away from the microwave.

— You wanna be like everybody else and say, «Everything's gonna be just fine».
— Dude, I'm your best friend. I'll tell you whatever you want me to.

— Oh, thanks, S. C. B.
— What does S. C. B. Mean?
— Super Chocolate Bear.
— I love it.
— I knew you would.

Turk: — Let me buy you lunch.
J. D.: — I'm rich. I'll buy you lunch and some gold teeth to eat it with!

— Where do we meet up in heaven?
— At the milk shake pool on the lesbian cloud.

— Look, I feel like I can give you a list of things that are sucky about being pregnant. For starters, I'm now horny as I've ever been and my husband is repulsed by me.
— Listen, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up and shut my eyes so tight and then do you.
— Thank you for the sacrifice.
— It's because I love you.

— I sort of had a sex dream about you.
— Really?
— Yeah.
— Was I the girl?
— Yeah, you were the girl. Can you just do me a favour? Don't tell Carla about this. She'll just get all jealous and disgusted.
— But we haven't done anything for her to be disgusted by.
— Oh, yeah, we did.

God knew my people would go through some struggles, so He gave us a lifetime supply of cool to compensate.

— I haven't had to work this hard since Carla's mom.
— I thought Carla's mom hated you.
— She died, so I count that as a win.

OK, what did I do? Think. I got her a present on my ex-girlfriend's birthday. I called that new cute nurse a "young Carla Espinosa", Damn, that was stupid. I've left my toenail clippings on her throw pillow. I forgot to put the toilet seat down and she bruised her butt. Wow, why is she marrying me?

I don't wanna get all Dr Phil on you, but women have a hard time separating sex from emotions.

— You know, you didn't have to save me from Mrs. Cropper's husband. I could have handled him.
— How? By ramming your face into his fist over and over again?
— You can make jokes, but I did that to Paul Edwards in college, and who won that fight? He broke two knucles, but I only fractured one skull. Scoreboard, Turk. Scoreboard.

A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would be off.

Dude, I got to close for the first time ever. Ever. The human body is so disgusting. Not yours. Yours is stunning.

— You're like school in July.
— What do you mean?
— No class.