Bob Kelso – Character Quotes

— I know that the very idea of you doing a favor for me makes those ass cheeks clench up so tight that you could shovea lump of coal up there and probably crap out a diamond! Right? Ohh.... Come on, Bob, I can't even remember the last time I saw my son, and you — you — you're a father, for God's sake, you understand, don't you?
— My son was recently kicked out of his Hari Krishna sect for being too much of a hippie, and is currently residing in the Portland subway system. The point, Perry, is that the only thing I care less about than my son... is your son. Have fun at the Big House.

— Ah, new janitor uniforms, top priority. Right up there with silk jamies for the patients and a cat door for the I. C. U.
— I made some sketches.
— This one has a cape!
— Well, it gives me the option of fighting crime. Yeah, after work, of course. Now, this one... has sort of a medieval thing going.
— That's you on a horse?
— This is a steed, sir. That's for cleanup in outer space. This one is...outer space...evening wear. This one's just a kangaroo. Sometimes I draw kangaroos.

— Y'know, sir, Dr. Townshend was telling me you had some great old stories about the hospital. I'd love to hear one sometime.
— Well, what the hell. Back in '68... I don't like you. The end.
— He tells that one a lot.
— I know.

It's a hip-hop world, son. Keep up or get out of the way.

— Perry, I am sick and tired of listening to people complain about being called fatties, boozers, losers, winos, tubbos, tokers, smokers, and jamokers, whatever the hell jamokers means.
— I was saying «jokers» and I had coffee cake in my mouth.
— Unlike my masseuse Frida, you're not pretty enough to be rough.

— Dr Weisenheimer's back. How was your ski trip?
— I'm confused.
— You annoy me.
— Now I get it.

Plus, I have forgotten more about medicine than you two will ever know.

— At least you've stopped crying.
— No, not really. My body can't produce tears anymore. I've intentionally dehydrated myself. It's a risky move, I know, but Dr. Jarvis here said it'll be all right.
— There's nobody standing behind you.
— I'm going to need an IV.

— Well, Bob, your employees really stood by you. They pointed out to the board that... Well, you run a tight ship, and actually we'd like you to stay on.
— Girls, thank you for saving my job. The one thing I wanted was to end things on my own terms, and since you're letting me, you can shove it up your ass, Rodney. I'm out of here.

— Why aren't you taking the job, Perry?
— You said it was a bureaucratic nightmare. And I don't want to be miserable.
— You love being miserable.
— I don't want everyone to hate me.
— Everybody already hates you. You wanna know the real reason why you don't want the gig, champ? Because you're a fraidy-cat.
— Beg your pardon?
— Didn't you hear me? Are fraidy-cat's ears too tiny?
— Don't push me, Bob.
— You're right. I'm sorry. Would it make you feel any better to bat this around for a while?

...if you do not get to the point where you have the courage to take risks, you will never be a great doctor.

— I am gonna let Big Bob here give the first excuse.
— Blah, blah, blah. I'm not doing it.
— I'm caught on his collar!

Marriage is a lifelong battle, except we men have been given no weapons.

— Who the hell ate my scone?
— That would be me. It was delicious. My compliments to the little lady.
— I made those.
— I know.

— I need your opinion about something.
— Those pants make you look like you're holding water.

— You know, it wouldn't hurt you to make some noise around here.
— How's this? Blow it out your ass, Bob.