Bernard Black – Character Quotes

9 quotes
Bernard Black

Bernard Ludwig Black, the owner of the eponymous bookshop Black Books, is a heavy alcoholic and smoker and has been known to be rude and obnoxious to the customers in his shop.

The only people Bernard can be said to share a friendship with are Manny Bianco, his assistant and flat mate, and Fran Katzenjammer, his best friend and neighbour.

Bernard was created and portrayed by Irish actor and comedian, Dylan Moran. Bernard is based on a real bookshop owner Dylan Moran met in Dublin.

Quoted in: 
Actor: 

Man 1: Hello, we were wondering whether we could talk to you about Jesus?
Bernard: Great! Come in!
Man 1: What?
Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus, what's he up to now? Come on, come on in.
Man 1: Er... are you sure?
Bernard: Yes, in, in, come in!
Man 2: It's a trick!
Man 1: It's just... generally people don't say yes.
Bernard: Well, I'm not people! Come on in, let's talk beliefs!

— Those books, how much?
— Hm?
— The leather-bound books.
— The Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
— They're real leather?
— They're real Dickens.
— I have to know because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred.
— Two hundred what?
— Two hundred pounds!
— Are they leather-bound pounds?
— No.
— Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!

- Those books, how much?
- Hm?
- The leather-bound books.
- The Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
- They're real leather?
- They're real Dickens.
- I have to know because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred.
- Two hundred what?
- Two hundred pounds!
- Are they leather-bound pounds?
- No.
- Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!
- Those books, how much?
- Hm?
- The leather-bound books.
- The Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
- They're real leather?
- They're real Dickens.
- I have to know because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred.
- Two hundred what?
- Two hundred pounds!
- Are they leather-bound pounds?
- No.
- Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!
- Those books, how much?
- Hm?
- The leather-bound books.
- The Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
- They're real leather?
- They're real Dickens.
- I have to know because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred.
- Two hundred what?
- Two hundred pounds!
- Are they leather-bound pounds?
- No.
- Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!
- Those books, how much?
- Hm?
- The leather-bound books.
- The Collected Works of Charles Dickens.
- They're real leather?
- They're real Dickens.
- I have to know because they have to go with a sofa. Everything else in my house is real. I'll give you two hundred.
- Two hundred what?
- Two hundred pounds!
- Are they leather-bound pounds?
- No.
- Sorry, I need leather-bound pounds to go with my wallet. Next!

Bernard: Right, the shop is closed! Everybody get out! Time to go home! Come on!
Customer: It's only quarter to three.
Bernard: Yes, but it's my shop! Come on, go home! Bye-bye!
Customer: It's hardly fair.
Bernard: It's not fair at all. Get out!
Customer: I expect better service...
Bernard: Expect away. Bye-bye! Come on, you time-wasting bastards! Back on the streets! Goodbye! Thank you! Bye-bye-bye! Back to reality. Thank you!