Legen...waiting for it...dary!
Whatever you do in this life, it’s not legendary unless your friends are there to see it.
Barney Stinson: — So how'd it all go down between you and Bilson?
Marshall Eriksen: — Well, after he proposed a vocational paradigm shift, I made an impromptu presentation using a four-pronged approach that really brought him to his knees.
Barney Stinson: — Hit him with a chair?
Marshall Eriksen: — Yep.
The only difference between my life and porn is my life has better lighting.
We wait three days to call a woman. Because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.
— Why are you sleeping in our tub?
— The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling.
— Like tonight, we're tasting all these different wines, pairing them up with these cool, gourmet cheeses.
— Wow. Who knew being in a committed heterosexual relationship could make a guy so gay.
— It was a cockamouse!
— What?
— Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?