The Devil's Dictionary - Ambrose Bierce

Fashion, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.

Recollect — to recall with additions something not previously known.

Cannon — an instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

I — the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtless clearer to the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselves is difficult, but fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot.

Magic — an art of converting superstition into coin.

Peace — in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

Physician — one upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.

Connoisseur — a specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.
An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured upon his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he murmured and died.

Life — a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of successful controversy.

Police — an armed force for protection and participation.

Painting — the art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.

Responsibility — a detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor.